Written by a soul well-known.
I think of you often, the life I took with a mind too immature or aware to realise the suffering of all involved.
I did not know that I would feel you in my bones, growing with me in memory. You come to me in dreams, in thoughts when talking to my older daughter, her awakening unfolding fully now. What do I say to her, to you, the sister in circle who asks.
“Yes I have two daughters (but I want to say I have more)”.
What we do call it when a women decides to abort a child. A sin, an injustice, a moment of unknowing, a decision or mistake or just life, a nessessary action to maintain a certin quality of life. As always, its different for every being. For me its a guilt that never dies. Back then it was just what happened.
Before I met my current partner, before I had the strength to stand up fully for myself or see the totality of certain actions, I fell pregnant and had a choice to terminate or go it alone (or so I thought). Young and apparently in love I believed I would be cared for, married off and raise a family on a little farm down south.
How naïve and foolish. Yes it can and often happens this way but for me it wasn’t further from the delusional truth I sought. I was hit from all sides. My lover left, I was too ashamed to go and tell my mother or father and the upstanding soon to be apparent in-laws talked me into making an appointment to see a family counsellor. They had connections. One, a well-known surgeon and the other a local nurse of 30 something years. I was heart-broken, without a home of my own and I valued their opinion. I trusted them as social elders when in fact I should have trusted myself and no-one else.
“Your so young and its a shame our son cannot see the relationship through but you’re welcome to stay in our house while you recover”.
The deed was done. My child was gone. Returned to the darkness of waiting to be reborn.
I talk of this sadness now, not only to release some of the burden I have carried for what feels like an eternity but to let mothers, sisters, friends and all those in a position to educate our children know – respecting and understanding the preciousness of life is something that can be taught……..not all are born with this realisation.
The decisions we make and actions we take flow constantly towards what we will become. That being said, I don’t hate myself for what I did, I was truly unaware, lost in a world that placed a higher value on social conformity than life. I am not that being any more and have not been for years.
Through the DNA exchange and the energetic processes of a child unborn, I carry a message, a prayer of hope that all parents talk to their young about life, the essence of creation, formation and growth. Talk to them about listening to their own hearts and following the voice inside that desires to be seen, heard and loved.
I send metta to my child, the life I took and give healing metta to myself.
I send metta to any child, any women struggling with the mind, the turmoil of decisions.
I send metta to all the sisters of the world that felt they had no help, no other choice, no nest to birth and went through with a termination.
I send metta to those that judge the action of another for you are unknowing yourself.
Goodnight sweet child, I let you sleep for under stars and full moon rains I let you go to live another life. You are not mine to mourn for nothing belongs to me and never will.